Tuesday, July 27, 2010
How To Irritate the People Who Buy Your House
#1 - Stain all the wood work in the entire house (doors, baseboards, doorways, cabinets, etc...) with Watco Danish Oil Finish in Dark Walnut and DO NOT wipe it off. This way it can stain/ruin their nice, expensive shirts they wear to work, their daughter's Boppy cover, and anything else that touches it before they realize what you've done. This way they can spend hours of their life (when they could be unpacking) wiping down the woodwork with lint free rags from Lowe's to prevent it from ruining other items.
#2 - Leave the house dirty. Yes, don't wipe out drawers or cabinets. Have the carpet cleaned, but then let your two huge shedding dogs in for the night. This way they will have to clean all your dirt and dog hair and be totally grossed out in the process.
#3 - Sign up to receive every catalogue that is printed in the USA. This way every single day that mail is delivered they will receive at least 7 catalogues offering everything from handblown glass parrots to socks that relieve hammertoes to furs that cost thousands of dollars. This way they will have to spend their own time calling the 1-800 numbers to be unsubscribed from the mailing lists. (I'm not exaggerating...we've called approximately 60 catalogue companies, and our mail lady told us that the former owner got more catalogues than anyone on her route. We feel privileged. The photo is just from a few days!)
#4 - Don't clean out all your stuff from the cabinets. This way the new owners can own all of your weight loss shakes, pills, energy bars, weight loss subscription, and your hemorrhoid cream.
#5 - Buy new appliances just a few months before selling your house, but DO NOT hook them up correctly. This way the new owners will try to use them, then think that their appliances don't work and will call repairmen to come fix them. Thankfully, though, they will rejoice when they find out that they do work and are actually quite wonderful.
#6 - Do not grout or seal your shower or put in the shower head pipe correctly. This way the new owners will have to have workmen come fix the tile, and the new owners will have to replace the shower head pipe.
#7 - Have 4 doors that each have 2 locks, but only give the new home owners 1 key. This way they will get locked out of their home the second night they own it, and they will have to drill through lock to just get inside so they have somewhere to spend the night. This way they will have to spend extra money to have all the locks replaced.
The three of us are gradually starting to feel more at home here. We bought a house by Hefner Lake in OKC. To be fair, the former owner really did a fantastic job fixing up a 1967 home. Aaron searched for homes on the internet into the wee hours of the morning for nights and nights and had 2 realtors helping him find us a house that fit our needs - move in ready & in a safe neighborhood, but a price within our budget so I can stay home with Molly. Aaron saw this house on the internet, and we are so thankful that everything worked out for us to own it. This house is really an answer to prayer. We have just had to laugh about some of the STRANGE issues that have arisen.